Funny Facebook Statuses. Find a funny Facebook status to use for yourself. The best facebook status messages and updates.
1.When choosing a name for your daughter, imagine her being announced in a strip club. If she doesn't need a stage name, pick something else.
2.In alcohol's defense, I've done some pretty dumb stuff while completely sober too...
3.I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
4.If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
5.Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone. And if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.
6.I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, "Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas."
7.Does the Lego movie come with a disclaimer "Some assembly required"?
8.I don't know what's longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
9.Based on the living conditions, I think Sochi thought they were hosting The Hunger Games instead of The Olympics.
10.I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can't have any more food and I'm never ready for that kind of commitment.
11.I’ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I’m actually talking to someone.
12.The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.
13.I'm so tired, but at least I got the dog on the bus and let the kids out to pee.
14.uʍoɹɟ ʇɐɥʇ
15.I'm so tired, but at least I got the dog on the bus and let the kids out to pee.
16.I think it would be fun to work in a restaurant on Valentine's
Day. I'd hide fake diamond rings in all the girls' glasses and then just
watch all the men's expressions.
17.I am currently watching the Holy Grail of horror movies. There are 10 minutes left and the black guy is still alive.
18.I believe in equality. If we have five days of work, then we should have five day weekends as well.
19.I like how the kids in E.T. keep pedaling the whole time they're on the flying bikes. Just in case.
20.Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to
everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a
fortune in stamps.